


talk to me

by outspaced



Category: Atypical (TV 2017)
Genre: Compulsive Heterosexuality, Dancing, F/F, Heteronormativity, I don't know what to tag this as, Internalized Homophobia, Outspaced attempts to write, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:21:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24304345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outspaced/pseuds/outspaced
Summary: Tanya gives Casey some wise words while they dance and offers to go talk to Izzie.
Relationships: Casey Gardner & Izzie, Casey Gardner & Tanya, Casey Gardner/Izzie, Izzie & Tanya
Kudos: 40





	talk to me

**Author's Note:**

> I wish there was more for Tanya. The power of being a creator is that you can provide more. Teen and up for cursing.

Casey finds herself smiling again when Tanya takes her hand and dances with her. It's light and open and so, so different from what dancing with Izzie was like. It has none of the intimacy that came with whatever complicated thing the two had. Still, Casey finds herself wishing Izzie was the one she was dancing with, slowly closing the gap between the two of them. She can close her eyes and she can pretend and she can pretend that it's enough.

"Whoa, Gardner!" Tanya says, pulling her to the side of the room. "Want to talk?"

"Mhmm..." Casey manages, grabbing a can of what she hopes is soda and opens it. 

"So, fancy prep school girl? Not that I blame you, I'd totally be all over her if she didn't have eyes for only you... and whatever rando she's making out with." 

"I thought you liked boys?" is all Casey can manage. Whatever she had grabbed was soda— she shouldn't have worried, it was a track meet— but it's unbearably sweet and she grimaces as she takes a sip. 

"I like all, Case, try to keep up with me here." Tanya pauses. "I thought _you_ liked boys. I thought you were with that guy, Evan."

"I do both and we aren't together anymore. I just never thought about it much." She's suspicious. "Why?"

"I could've introduced you to some cool girls at Newton; You should've told me. I mean, not that it matters since you left and got your girl." Tanya grabs Casey's drink, stealing a sip. Casey doesn't know where she's going with this. "That's the good stuff. Her name's Izzie right? She's cute."

Off Casey's glare, she adds, "She's yours."

Tanya tilts her head, passing Casey back her drink. "You're sad. What's up with that girl, goin' 'round and breaking the baby's heart?"

It's such a loaded line that Casey has to answer it bit by bit. "I'm not sad. She doesn't want to 'acknowledge' things and she's not breaking my heart. I'm not a baby either, I'm only a year below you. How'd you even know—"

"Still a baby then!" Tanya says cheerfully. "Anyone with eyes can see that you do not dance like that with 'just a friend'. She acknowledges boys publicly. Boys are ugh," she adds with a thoughtful nod.

"Don't you like all?"

"That is beside the point. I'm offering to help you here, Gardner." Tanya sighs, running her hand through her hair that she seems to have forgotten is tied up. "I can go talk to her." Casey glares. "If you want." Glaring continues. "I won't steal your girl." The glaring lessens in intensity but doesn't stop entirely. "Promise."

Casey nods.

In all her years (think less than two) at Newton High, Tanya had never been this helpful. She'd been nice and she'd been a friend but she'd never gone this far before. Tanya leans in conspiratorially. "We could make her jealous." Her breath is sweet with the sugary soda and she blows playfully at Casey, arms wrapping around her waist and pulling her close. 

Just for a moment, Casey considers leaning into Tanya's warmth. The offer is tempting and it wasn't like she'd never stared at the girl before, in locker rooms, and trying to make sense of her racing heart which never beat so fast before they even started running. It's because of that that she doesn't push Tanya away, yelling "What the hell are you doing?!" Instead she just shakes her head, "No thanks."

Tanya gives a half frown that's quickly replaced by her usual smile. "Too bad then. I'll talk to your girl for you, won't be awkward about it. Come, I like this song." 

Just like that, she pulls Casey back to where they had been dancing and they continue like nothing ever happened.

-

It's after the race when Tanya jogs up to Izzie that she learns the words "compulsive heterosexuality".

She doesn't want to talk but Tanya is very persistent. Finally, they sit down and Tanya is gentle and she is kind and she is understanding when the words come spilling out of Izzie's mouth. When Izzie had first come to Clayton Prep, she'd felt out of place and insecure and she knew that anybody could pick on the poor girl on scholarship. She'd found Nate and she decided that he was good-looking and popular enough and he would be her key to security. Nobody would mess with the rich, popular guy's girlfriend and she would be one of them. Besides, he was nice and handsome and why wouldn't she kiss back when he kissed her? Logic told her she should like Nate so she told herself that she did. 

"But I don't think I liked him, really. I don't think I like boys." The words are a whisper, because Izzie is afraid, so, so afraid, to say them out loud. It confirms everything she's been avoiding.

"Didn't stop you from kissing one just now," Tanya says. She wants to take her words back immediately but it doesn't seem to bother Izzie. 

"I just- Casey makes me feel these things and it's- I should be feeling them with a boy. I shouldn't—" Izzie breathes deeply, not meeting Tanya's eye. "I should feel them with a boy and I told myself that and I tried to." 

Her voice is small. "I couldn't."

Izzie is so small and so vulnerable that Tanya wraps an arm around her. "You know, it really sucks that, since young, people drill into our heads that a boy and girl together is the only way, that it's only natural and all that nonsense. They never presented any other option and that really sucks. It's hard to unlearn all these stupid rules— believe me, I've been there— and it's going to be painful but loving and accepting yourself is more important than whatever the hell the world thinks. Knowing doesn't necessarily help but it's a step. I beat myself up for ages and it was a really shitty time and I thought I was broken and I could never be loved. Look where I am now."

Izzie just hums. 

"I think that your happiness matters more than trying to please the world. Fuck the world!" Tanya exclaims, drawing a half laugh from Izzie. 

"It's not going to be easy and you're not just going to be able to change overnight but you are wonderful and you are loved, Izzie. You deserve your own happiness and your own happy ending and to be able to accept yourself for who you are. You deserve to be you. You're neither broken nor wrong, you're strong and you're amazing. One day, you're going to get there and you're going to wonder why you were ever so worried about this. You'll get there, it could take a week or a month or a year or any amount of time but, one day, you're going to love yourself and be proud of who you are and how far you've come."

"You're crying," Izzie says as Tanya brushes her tears off.

"It's fine. I just-" she hiccups "I just wish someone told me this when I was twelve and crying myself to sleep at night. I was so disgusted and in denial and I hated myself. It wasn't nice."

She pauses, breathing deeply, before continuing. "But you know what's great? Back then, everything sucked and I wanted to die and I felt so, so alone. It was so dark that I never would've imagined being where I am today. I've come really far and I've learned that I deserve to be proud of myself for that. I've learned that I am deserving of love, that I am loved and that I love and I think that's the best thing I've ever learned."

Izzie just exhales heavily. She doesn't know what she feels but she wants to believe Tanya and she tells herself that she will.

"Look, I'll give you my number. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. It's a long process and you have to learn to do it yourself but the least I can do is be here for you. Doing it alone is the hardest."

Eventually, Tanya gets up to go. She places her hands on Izzie's shoulder and looks her in the eye. "Remember, you are loved and you deserved to be loved and you can love and you deserve a happy ending."

Izzie sits there for a little while more and for once, in a long, long time, she genuinely feels so loved. She knows that she is loved and she feels at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't mean for it to get so heavy but if you know anyone (or maybe yourself) who is struggling with their sexuality or who they are, I think this is something you could share with them. You deserve to be loved and you are loved. You deserve your own happy ending.
> 
> If you need to talk, I'm on Tumblr as outspaced-writes. You can ask for my discord as well or my email. Being alone in this really sucks and I'm here if you need
> 
> https://youtu.be/eIhU8wBjtsc Talk To Me - Cavetown


End file.
